Do you ever feel like you're supposed to be DOING something but you don't know what it is? I'm not eluding to things like, "I should be doing housework instead of watching a movie". I just don't know where my place is in life anymore.
When my daughter was little, I knew who I was. I chose to be a stay-at-home mom who baked after-school cookies, was a room mother at school, made items to sell at craft shows and shops, donated things for bake sales, sang in the church choir, and volunteered with an animal adoption agency.
When Daughter was grown and had little ones of her own, I was honored to watch my wonderful grandson, and then my sweet granddaughter while my daughter worked outside her home. I also knew who I was back then. I was Nana - story teller, book reader, music maker, cookie baker, treasure hunt planner, disco dance party advisor, and protector.
Daughter and family have moved to another town. Grandson and Granddaughter have grown and can care for themselves while parents are away. I don't bake many cookies these days and I seldom make things to sell. I have rescued enough animals to start my own adoption agency, and as I expressed in a previous post, I no longer attend the church I loved for 22 years. These days, I feel like a person without a mission.
I know time changes things and that's how it's supposed to be. I thought I'd embraced the changes, but I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because I was thinking about all the things in my life that are different now and all the changes yet to come - not all of them pleasant to ponder.
Spouse and I are dealing with our own physical and mental changes. We're less flexible, our eyesight is not as good, and we've become more forgetful. We expected those things would happen, though we don't have to like them. Other changes were outside our normal thought processes. We're now dealing with elderly parents - his dad and my mom. We'll soon be forced into making decisions for them because they are quickly becoming unable to make sound choices for themselves. We fully expect a long uphill battle on each front and the skirmishes have already begun.
Maybe I won't have long to ponder what my place in life is to be. Soon enough, I'll be a person with a mission again. This time I'll be a protector, advisor, and possible caretaker for a parent. That's not what I want for myself and I'm not at all sure I'm ready for that role. To be honest, I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I'm still working on what I want to be when I grow up.