MY BLOG WAS FORMERLY KNOWN AS, "STONEY HILL CABIN", BUT WE'VE MOVED TO THE COUNTRY AND I NO LONGER HAVE A BACKYARD CABIN. THIS WONDERFUL OLD HOUSE WAS BUILT IN 1919 AND I OFTEN WONDER ABOUT HOW THIS AREA LOOKED BACK THEN. WE'RE JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM THE SMALL TOWN OF LIBERTY AND SINCE WE HOPE THIS WILL BE THE FAMILY GATHERING PLACE, I DECIDED "LIBERTY HOMESTEAD" WOULD BE A FITTING NAME. OUR BIG RED BARN IS NOW A SAFE HAVEN FOR OUR RESCUED CATS AND THEY SEEM TO HAVE ADJUSTED WELL. NEIGHBORS WAVE AS THEY PASS AND WE LOVE WATCHING THE TRACTORS, PLOWS, AND COMBINES ON THE ROADS AND IN THE FIELDS AT PLANTING AND HARVEST TIMES. THIS FEELS LIKE HOME.

Friday, November 8, 2013

TURNING THE PAGE . . .

I'm not sure where September and October went. They passed in a blur for me. The months since my mother died have been foggy, at best. It's possible I'd been dealing with some depression though I hadn't recognized it as such. I continue working on household tasks, running errands, and caring for my cats, but these days I have no real routine for my life. My fall home show did not materialize because my initial enthusiasm evaporated and I finally realized my heart was simply not in planning for it - at least not this year. 
 
 
These past few months I apparently pulled back from friends, family, and social opportunities. In truth, I wasn't fully aware of doing that until I received a wake-up call from my daughter who was very blunt and emphatic about the fact I hadn't been contacting her. She expressed that she felt uncared for and left out of my life. During our conversation, I offered some weak explanations, but the bottom line was I just hadn't felt like calling her and wasn't sure why.  
 
 
A few disappointing (and often heated) exchanges with people I'd thought were good friends, convinced me I had, indeed, been ignoring some warning signs,. My frustration level was high and my tolerance level was low. I'm not prone to loud outbursts, so I internalized a lot of feelings, all the while thinking I was coping well after the loss of my mother. I often insist I'm at peace with her passing, and in many ways, that is true, but  I'm also still trying to put it all into perspective. I felt responsible for her for a very long time, and now that is no longer the case. I'm finally ready to turn the page and get back into life.  All I have to do is figure out who I really am now and where I go from here. 

 

9 comments:

Michelle said...

Glad to see your post this morning. I was just thinking about you last night and wondered if you were alright.

Death does funny things to us without us recognizing it. Take your time in the healing process and if you need to seek help from your doctor, do.. One thing I do these days rather than see my doctor is walk. It helps me think, talk things out (with or without a walking partner) and gets me out into the world and take in all its beauty.

Take baby steps when reaching back out to people and just let them know you are struggling with the loss of your mom and that you don't mean to leave them out.

Hugs to you.

Michelle

QUILTING IS BLISSFUL, DI said...

Hi Kady--I do know just how you are feeling--and mine hasn't even been because of a death--!
I have worked at shutting out people, not phoning,or emailing--my heart and mind seem 'blank'--there is nothing there left to 'give'--I can even sit in the chair and do nothing--that is not me--I have always been a 'busy bee'--but--not for several months now--and I do take something for depression--but??
so just know that you have company in this with you--you are not alone. I do think of you often and do worry about you.
Hugs, and love, di and miss gracie

Loretta Thomas said...

Good to see your post! Grief is such a lonely thing. You seemingly, although not to you...have a good upper hand now! You were able to share with us how you have coped and this is a good first step! We are eager to listen, so keep posting! Things will get better!
Love to you Dear Friend!
Loretta xx

Merilyn said...

It was so nice to see a post from you this morning! I'm glad your daughter had a chat to you, even though what she had to say wouldn't have been what you wanted to hear.....depression grabs you by the throat and keeps you down in its grip and people can slip inside it and feel very comfortable without realising they are avoiding friends and social situations where the checks and balances are there to keep us balanced..... This is just a part of the journey Kady, and the honesty your daughter has expressed is very much the measure of the depth of love she has for you. By all means keep sharing on your blog but you may need to share with someone else as well, to put into perspective what has happened and the loss you have been enduring alone, to give you strategies to get back on track.
Now, I really am sounding like the nurse aren't I, don't mean to Kady.... we all lose our way sometimes when life hands out 'biggies', life is precious, your close relationships are precious, baby steps now to get back to the person you want to be....I sincerely wish you the very best in your healing process......be kind to yourself you did go through quite a few unheavels with the house, your Mum etc over quite a stretch of time....Take care......

Kady said...

Michelle, thank you for those words of wisdom. I'm getting out more these days and doing more walking. I know that's a good thing. I'm also still talking to the Alzheimer's group therapist weekly. She offered all of us private sessions at no cost and that seemed to be a golden opportunity. I think I'm on the right track. I appreciate your support.

Kady said...

Di and Miss Gracie, it truly does help to know others go through these things too. I honestly thought I was coping just fine, until that call from my daughter. It didn't upset me, but it did open my eyes. I told her it was a wake-up call for me and thanked her for having the courage to say what needed to be said. I think we have to push ourselves a bit to even do the everyday things. I say I want to sew again but still lack the motivation. I'm working on it though. I hope you are too! Hugs and thanks.

Kady said...

Loretta, it's good to know others care and some have been through very similar things. I've never been a person who stayed "down" for long, but this time something was different and I didn't recognize I was feeling depressed. But I'd been so busy looking out for my mom that I'd been neglecting family ties and friendships. Apparently that became my habit...my routine....and I'm working on changing it. Thank you for your kind words and support.

Kady said...

Merilyn, as always, your kind expressions and insight have helped me. I've been letting go of some things that have hindered my progress and am anxious to see what positive things are around the corner. My daughter was brave to tell me how she felt and I thanked her for having the courage to say what needed to be said. Indeed, we've had quite a bumpy road for a couple years but life has calmed a bit and we now find ourselves with time to do what we want...though we're still working on figuring out exactly what that is. You're right though....baby steps are the way to do it. Thank you for your support and kindness.

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