WHY I DON'T MAKE RESOLUTIONS

Once again I find myself wondering why it's been so long since I added something to my blog. It's not that I haven't anything to express. Those who know me would attest that I'm rarely at a loss for words. 

 

Possibly the problem lies in the various turns my life has recently taken. I've often "resolved" to do better, think more positively, and add to my blog posts daily, then life takes over and I allow the things I love to be last on my "to-do" list.

 

When I don't allow time to do something I enjoy, I feel as if I've failed. When I take time for myself, I often feel guilty. The guilt is due, in part, to my angst over doing what I want to do, or visiting my mother at her assisted living facility. She'd like me to be there with her every day, but recently I've begun to find excuses to not go, and I don't stay as long when I visit. After the first three weeks of her stay, I stopped going every single day. When I visit, it's not very pleasant. I spend most of my time straightening her room, closet, and drawers so she can find things again. I constantly have to search for lost items - her door key, the TV remote, combs and brushes, clean socks, etc. Last week I walked into her room and found her bed piled high with all the clothes from her dresser drawers - again. That day I left them as they were and decided to let the staff find a way for Mom to get into bed that night, as they had been encouraging me to do. I listen to her outrageous stories, told in great detail, and wonder why she can't remember grandchildren's names, but can tell and re-tell stories of things that never happened. I'm not supposed to correct her but just "re-direct" her thoughts - not an easy task.      

 

Our Alzheimer's Support Group counselor reminds us to not allow our lives to revolve around the disease or the family member who has it, but she doesn't tell us how we're supposed to do that. Among visits to Mom, more frequent calls from the Lamplight staff, monthly care conferences, trips to her doctors and the emergency room (two trips in the last few weeks), keeping up with her bills, and affirming she's receiving good care, I often feel I've lost myself. 

 

 MOM'S "APARTMENT" AT LAMPLIGHT INN - HER NEW BED

 BIGGER TIGGER AND RUSTY ON ONE OF THE CAT CONDOS

 SWEET LITTLE BETSY - ONE OF MY OLDER GALS

 BAILEY-THE-BRAVE USUALLY RUNS WHEN HE SEES A CAMERA   

 FOSTER CAT, JOEY, WHO WILL SOON RE-JOIN HIS MAMA  

 BLOOPER DOESN'T SEEM TO BE A HAPPY CAMPER TODAY

BAXTER THINKS HE'S KING OF THE CAT ROOM

 

Perhaps the "remedy" would be to simply choose one or two things I like to do, and just do them without allowing guilt to overcome me. Taking care of the cats does provide welcome relief at times, but visits to Mom's facility might be less stressful if I wasn't always wondering when I was going to find time to get everything done here at my own home, let alone have any time for myself. I know Mom is where she needs to be right now and that she's receiving good care, but five minutes after I've left, she doesn't remember what I said or did while I was there and she might not even remember I'd been there at all. The staff tells me to let go of the guilt, but it's easier said than done. They say I'm there more often than most of the other family members of Alzheimer residents. They insist I have nothing about which to feel guilty and I sincerely appreciate their encouraging words, so I hereby RESOLVE to let go of the guilt. There's that word again.